Thursday, March 02, 2006
today i finally realise why i've been going around cursing n scolding everyone like some moody pms-ing bitch. cuz when u're angry, at least u dun tink clear. but once the fury is over, the hurt starts settling down. n that's even worse. i wish i could go on being a bitch for the rest of my life. but yea.. i promised all my frens to be strong.. so i will try no matter what it takes. :)
didn't went to work today.. mab's sad. so went to her hse pei her in the morning.. looked thru' webs n those booklets n stuff.. then lazed around talking laughing n watching tv... hahaha.. wat's new? :p i wish i didn't have to go to work everyday.. but tt would b bad of me.. especially now when the work starts to pile up. clara msg to tell me they might haf to ot until 8+... bleah. i feel kinda bad.. =(
nwae.. finally ate half a bowl of instant noodles in the afternoon.. then went out to meet shuwen afterwards.. n stared at them eat the nice-looking chicken rice, but still dun feel like eating! haha. then we waited for bert to come n watched big mama's hse 2 or watever's the title. hahaha. played at the arcade for awhile meanwhile. haha. then went in for the movie late cuz bert arrived late. haha. but it's super funny. ahahas. should watch. thank goodness nv watch another weepy show. but i still feel kinda weepy after that on the way home. ok...watever~
yea.. then i msg beav.. then soon after gaigai msg me too... hahaha. win liao lo.. cool. -_-''' but yea.. dun hafta repeat things here i guess... watever i hafta say oso say le haha.
oh yah... i suddenly realise all the guys around me are getting kida sweet! hahaha. n i dunno why... everyone's sweet except him. yayness. watever~ hahaha. n i'm still bringing ernie's postcard n pen with me whenever i go.. cuz when i'm sad n i look at it i'll feel much better! yay~NESS. hahaha.. thanks man... happy birthday!! hahaha. =p n bert's kinda sweet too! he wrote me a postcard too!! hahaha.. sometimes i juz wanna cry not cuz i'm sad..but cuz i'm touched. haha. ok but i shall try to stop crying. my eyes already pain enuff le. haven't really been sleeping the whole week too. :( oh ya.. still got another sweet guy! jaren's treating mab n i to the glasshouse fish n co. tmr!! omg. hahaha. talk about sweet. lol. hahaha yay. thanks so much guys! ^^
reached home juz now n hugged my mum first thing. cuz she went to my aunt's hse help her look after baby when i reached home last nite already. so happy. she's happy too. yay. but she like dun like me to tk psychology. bleah. then she kp asking me go old folk's home all that do volunteer work n scare myself first..see whether after that i still dare to tk psychology not... -_-''' erm i tot volunteer work is like.. for social service de?? haha.. altho she's trying to link, n got abit of link.. but there's really no link with studying psychology. anyway, i dun care. i die die also want to persuade them let me study psychology. it's the only course i'm interested in. haha. if dun haf i might as well not go uni le. cuz i dun wan accountancy or law or eee or certainly not anything to do with physics. god... hahaha. but yea. ok mayb maths still can. but it's something that no matter how interested i'm in, i wun do fab in it. haha. unless mayb i juz go n take stats. then wat.. be a teacher after i graduate? urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhh. i dun care.. die die oso muz persuade them. i muz fight for my own happiness now! like how i fought to stay in sa n not go to tj... i've nv regretted that until last sunday. -_-''' ahahas. but i guess i dun mind trying volunteer work! but can i go children's home instead? i prefer children. altho all my old folk's relative seem to like me alot too.. but i still prefer children. hahaha. esp. young children! ^^ anyone want to pei me go look see for volunteer work?? hahaha.
speaking of children... i miss yun xue... =( she's so sweeeeet. hai...not like her relative. eeeks. =X hai.. but i guess i wun get to see her again le. haix.
hmmmm.... it's kinda sad nowadays. ya know got this korean movie showing now..season of love or something lidat... but i realise everyone's breaking up recently. ok i shall not name all the couples that broke.. cuz that's super lame n stupid... but ya.. got another fren oso want break up with the bf le.. blah. =( pls be strong n dun drag things like a particular jerk. it'll hurt him even more. i lend u some courage!! -NAH!- hahaha. so lame.. but yea.. return it to me after u finish using.. cuz i need it too! hahaha. take care dear fren... =) *hug hug*
haha got this colleague like some horoscope psychopath lidat.. very into horoscope n the characters all that de.. hahaha. then she's shun bian into zodiac too de. then she says rabbits like to enjoy life de... hahaha. n i tink she's true! all my same batch frens around me like all like to do nothing n enjoy life if given the chance... hahaha. sometimes i wish we can all juz go hook up with some filthy rich husband n da ma jiang for the rest of our lifes. hahaha. but then. that's quite stupid laa... hahaha. i tink i'll get bored as soon as i get up to the battlefield standard. but prob is i dun tink i'll ever get up to battlefield standard. hahahah. so i shouldn't get a rich husband so soon. hahaha. wat am i toking about? haha so crappy. just talking rubbish..nvm me. :p
nwae.. notice something recently... it seems that life is very fair after all. u can only have one type of happiness at one time. cnnt too greedy n want too much de. everyone's entitled to only this small piece of happiness. n that's all. not more than that, not less than that. u want an example? take me. i lost my bf, but at least i get an interview for my dream job. i get my dream grades, but the hospital called to cancel the interview for my dream job. i dun get my dream job, at least i get the support of my frens! :) see the cycle of 'happiness'? dun usually talk big n make sense i guess.. but i tink i really make sense this time. think about ur own life... izzit going in this weird cycle too? yea... so i guess that's why ppl always say "stay contented with wat u have". am i starting to make sense? haha.
oh btw.. just found out from a RELIABLE SOURCE that.. the class guys got nothing against me. it's just some jerk over exagerated things n slandered me. find excuses as usual. only one person complained about me.. n is jokingly complain oso de.. n i can't believe after so many times i warned u, u still allowed a guy that tried to sabotage our r/nship ur opinion so easily. haha u pro lo.. i got nothing to say le. n u can rebutt if u want to but i dun wish to comment oso le. haha. but yea.. only shows that i'm right to stay away from u. so useless. -nehh- all the same.. i'm so relieved to hear that... i really treasure the guys in class, be it frens or classmates. i treasure their frenship more than the other clique's if u'all understand wat i'm hinting.. dun wanna spell out certain things that i dun see a need to... point is.. i'm happy :)
anyway.. i really really REALLY officially swear that i'm really suffering from sas-phobia now le. huiyu i'm not joking anymore this time. i dun ever wanna date any sas guys anymore. n best of all is sajc de oso dowan. hahaha. so screwed up. i wonder if the guys know about us already... haix. i guess it's none of my concern oso le rite? but i hafta say i still tink some of the guys r real nice! like dotty n aaron n james n blahblahblah. anyone but HIM. haha..
mayb i should start using IT instead of 'him'... since beavan already says he's d____less. hahahahah. watever. i shan't be so mean. ok. HIM. hahaha. like it makes a difference anyway.
maybe it's just my problem ba.. all of mab's ex-es r still so nice to her! only mine ex-es r so screwed. so i guess the problem lies with me ba... haiiiiiiiiiiiiii.
:(
hUitiNg stRange... 3/02/2006 07:59:00 PM
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
ok i dun even want to reply ur sms-es anymore.. just stop bothering me. i tink i'm already nice enuff today. everybody keeps asking me ah yeow leh ah yeow leh? n all i said was either i dunno or we break up le. i nv drag her into the picture or wat.. only those really close frens know.. then pinkie ask why then i juz tell her why..but i nv drag her name in too i swear.. so in case anything happens or wat... dun come blaming me again liao.. i already tried my best to protect gaigai le. i said GAIGAI not you. ahahas.
n yea. i noe it sounds lame.. but yah.. i was like so nervous looking out for the 2 of them that forgot to be nervous about the results thingy until i finish hugging her.. hahaha. then i stand behind phyllis then i start freaking out. so ya i ought to thank u 2 for diverting my attn... watever. bleah. gaigai actually i got alot of things wanted to tell u today de.. i wanted to pull u aside from that idiot before collecting the results to talk.. but u'all ended turning up so late.. then i see u le.. i oso lose control. so ya.. blah. n not like got alot of time to talk oso. then after get results worse still... the atmosphere n mood is totally wrong for talking about it so yah. hahah... but to cut it short yah.. make sure u finish spending all his money! wahaha.. i tell u he's super stingy de lo.. so make sure every single time u'all go out he treats u n buys everything u want for u.. dun care if he has only a pathetic 50cents per hour pay.. just qiao zha him. muahaha. n erm frankly speaking i dun really want to know what's going on with the both of u's love life anymore.. but ya.. just tell me when he dui bu qi ni.. ok i oso dunno what i will do.. but yah.. u can tell beavan too.. hahah.. i think he will confirm know wat to do.. then we can strategise n plot some revenge for u or something.. hahah watever la. just dun make me get hurt for nothing. make the best out of it. zhan ta yue duo pian yi yue hao la. not that he got alot of pian yi to zhan anyway..
haha i think i'm quite proud of myself to kp my cool in school today when i see him. at least i didn't slap you lo. haha.. altho it wasn't very nice of me to throw all the stuff back at u.. but u weren't very nice to me oso ma. watever. haha.. but all the same.. like i said juz now in sch.. thanks for coaching me last yr.. i shall b unbiased about this issue n thank u.. blah. n hor.. did u seriously get ungraded for chem s?? i tink i'm mean.. but u kind of deserve it lo. i tink u're lucky to get ur straight As liao.. i tink there r a thousand n one ppl who worked harder than u who deserve better grades lo. ok i'm glad that at least u cannot yaya anymore. or else u will remain so cocky like ever for the rest of ur life. i hope this serves as a lesson for u n u actually start studying in uni.
oh ya.. my results were ok la.. gbetter than expected.. so i'm contented with me.. n i think bahbah is very very nice.. altho erm.. sorry pork i noe u did that for my good.. i'm very touched actually.. i didn't said that to u but yah.. i am.. all the same.. i already apologise to him oso le la.. so doesn't really matter le.. n i tink he's qute sweet about it oso la.. yay. i nv tot i would b saying this one day. bahbah is SO MUCH nicer than the jerk! yay. no wonder the jerk always dun like him... haha.. cuz he's JEALOUS that he's nicer than him! wahaha.. ok i'm going out of point again. but yea.. i'm glad that he's happy for me! :)
erm.. those who didn't do that well.. i noe it's easy for me to crap here but pls do not b too sad about it.. just try to apply to ALL unis ba.. some courses will have interviews de.. so i tink it will help alot la.. yah. juz try to kp a positive outlook ok.. :)
n uh.. wat else?
oh ya.. i'm very happy to see so many frens back in school again! yay. n i tink the new campus is super pathetic. even hall oso no aircon.. make me have to go bang wall. ahahahs. n dun have the cozy feeling anymore le.. but yah.. i still happy to see so many frens n classmate there! ^^
n i tink i hafta thank everyone for being so supportive for me.. yeap. thanks for all the hugs today.. n thanks for pei-ing me spend the rest of the evening too! esp. ernie huiyu jun.. n pork pls dun pull this kind of stunt again.. everytime ur hp low batt will scare ur mummy de lo. -_-''' n yah.. ernie.. thanks for being SO ultimately sweet. hahaha.. i tink d________ should consider u again hhahaha.. go jio her leh.. i tink u'll make a gd bf! so u shld start looking for a gf! wahaha.. sounds like i want to jio him lidat...so wrong. ahahas. that's not the point.. point is thank u for being so sweet! i'm so touched! n of cuz by the rest of my frens too! all of u'all r so sweet!! thanks for helping me.. u'all made me want to be strong! :) i've been thinking of it the whole night le.. if i can get friends like u'all by me forever.. i rather give up a stupid imbecile bf! yay~ *hugs all frens*
n yah.. finally went to watch i not stupid too with huiyu n ernie.. haha it was quite funny.. gbut yah.. not that fab oso la.. just touching.. but quite cliche plot i tink... very jack neo. hahaha.
oh i tink i broke a record today! i didn't eat for the whole day lo.. cuz i got diarrhoea last nite n today morning. n i didn't felt like eating in the morning tho i'm hungry.. cuz got no appetite. then afternoon i'm ultra sad. cuz i was looking forward to eating at sav.. then i reach there i juz didn't have any appetite at all. hahaha. then at nite wnated to go home eat after watching movie de.. but mummy msinterpreted n heard wrongly.. so she tot i eating outside.. then put all the leftovers into the fridge le.. -_-''' then i'm super hungry but i STILL got no appetite.. hahaa.. so i like aiya might as well not eat le la zzz.. hahaha. so i nv eat any meals today. so pro. if there's anything that turns out good of this whole screwed up accident.. is that it's taking away my appetite cuz apparently this has been going on since monday.. so yah. i'm going to become thinner. hahaha. yay-ness. i tink u guys r going to think i'm anorexia liao. however u spell that. haha.
ok last thing i hafta say. my dear frens i noe it's not very nice of me to make such a request cuz i know u'all have my interests at heart.. but pls stop blogging abuse or hurtful comments about gaigai already. cuz somehow they will backfire n usually some jerk make some other comments to protect her then end up i'll get hurt even more. i've already come in terms with the fact that he really loves her more than he loved me. cuz he nv ever protected me the way he protects her now even when we were together. n that actually kinda hurts. watever. i juz dowan to tink about it anymore. i juz want to get on with my own life n leave both of them alone. so pls kindly stop blogging about them or sms-ing them.. juz take it that u'all r protecting me from being hurt further can? thank u very much. but ya.. u'all can continue cursing HIM.. i dun mind. haha. n yah same thing to gaigai.. altho i said sorry n all that for the mean thngs i said to hurt u.. but the fact about u hurt my fren still stands true. so pls stop talking to my frens already to prevent things from further complicating liao. n other frens ya.. same thing. juz stop fighting. i'm alright already.. juz need a break from so much crossfires, or watever u call that....
ok n ppl pls kp a lookout for nice wallets for me.. cuz i dun like my bian se wallet anymore. i feel FILTHY touching it. haha. but nvm.. i tink i want to get an emily/jack wallet! yay-ness! hahaha.. so happy~~
ok i dunno wat else to blog about le.. hahha.. take care guys.. :)
hUitiNg stRange... 3/01/2006 11:26:00 PM
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
haha.. sorry i've been out the whole day. so didn't get around to reading everyone's blogs.. so yea. juz read them hahaha. i dunno wat to say. mixed feelings lo.
in case i blog until too ji dong later.. i want to say something first.. yk.. i hope that whatever i told u last time.. u wun go about telling her or ANYONE else. it's called privacy yea? even if she can use it to defend herself or wat.. dun tell her anything that i told u before pls. cuz the least u can do now is respect me. and when i mean anything.. i mean. things that ESPECIALLY CONCERN MY FRENS. be it mab or huiyu or albert or shuwen or any other 8e and any other frens. secondly.. whatever we did together back then.. i dun tink there's a need to reveal to her too. whatever u want to do with her i'm not stopping u. but i just dun like the idea of others knowing about what we did. ok i might sound stupid or whatever, but still... RESPECT me for the last time. thank you very much.
ok.. to the rest of my ardent fans.. yay... i'll start blogging again. haha.. yayyy~ since i stopped for someone else.. n someone else doesn't care.. i dun hafta care too... rite?? yayyyy... ^^ but i'll keep my promise to a fren n stop hurling abuse. ok. correction. i will TRY. ahahas. n i'm not stopping anyone from reading my blog too. but yea.. the both of u.. if watever u want to comment is unnecessary.. den dun comment. if u tink it's constructive.. fine.. c omment. i dun gurantee u i'll find it constructive haha.
ok.. now the REAL blogging.
erm... i dunno wat to say.. yeap. to yk.. i juz read every single entry n i hate u more n more. i tink u r worse than fj. so stay away from me pls. n erm.. gaigai.. i really really really REALLY dunno wat to say.. i feel kinda sad for u too to be stuck with an idiot.. and having to bear the responsibilities of his stupid actions.. n i can't believe u still want such a _________(vulgar) person in ur life. hahaha... i'm luffing at the vulgar thing by the way, not u. ok.. but i oso cnnt say i'm still kinda angry with u. but actually is more for mab... cuz the both of u distorted so many facts. but yea.. back to the snatch bf issue.. i dunno wat to feel oso.. i'm just so angry with the ________(vulgar) that i dun even know if i'm angry with u anymore. ok i think i can safely trust u r not the type to go about snatching others bf.. but i still think u could have spare a thought for beavan n i's feelings. u knew he still loved u so much. but u went ahead w/o telling him anything. n i dun care if u knew abt our breakup one month ago or one day ago. fact is u knew i was upset, n u blogged about how much u cared.. then u went ahead too. i dunno wat to say? u can tell me love is blind if u want.. but i can tell u too.. love is not suppose to be selfish. when i say selfish, i dun only mean being nice n magnanimous to the person u love, but also to the surrounding ppl who r involved. especially to a FRIEND who thot u cared. i feel so wasted spending so much salva to convince beav that u r not cheating him. n about the thing u r confused about.. i tell u wat ur dear sent me ytd evening. "ok..beavan doesn't believe we aren't attached.. he keeps insisting we got together on 9th jan.. so yep.. we got tog 2dae" yea. that was it.. i didn't changed a single word at all. standing at a unbiased pt of view.. what would u have interpreted it as?? u get wat i mean now? it sounded like u'all got together to convince beavan. n when i talked to u earlier, u said "nan dao yao deng dao wo men go n get tog le then
ni men ta cai xiang xing meh?" so it all mk it sounds even worst. if u tink i'm stupid to have interpreted it that way... i got nothing to say.. i'm sorry i'm stupid. ok.. erm.. i forget what i wanted to say le.. haha. but yea.. if u'all truly like each other.. yea lo.. i'm in no position to say anything too.. so yea... all the best. altho i think he doesn't deserve u. altho i dun ever want to b frens with him again no matter how much u try to explain for him.. standing from a pang guan zhe's point of view.. i can tell u straight in the face that he's a jerk. but if u really happy with him.. then go ahead.. i give u my blessings. realise i said YOU, not YOU'ALL. haha. but yea.. pls understand that i dun tink i want to face the both of u for the time being.. ESPECIALLY HIM. yah.. mayb i'll put this past one day n talk to u again.. but for the time being.. yea. take care. n erm.. i hope ppl will stop being so angry with her.. u'all can b angry with yk for all i care.. but spare her liao la. n erm.. wat happened btw u n pork i dunno.. but i hope things will b alrite.. i know i sound equally hypocrite staying all this stuff. but like u say, we all have the right to choose whether to believe it or not. so yay. make ur own choice. :)
n to all the frens who cried with me n talked with me n listened to me n hugged me n gave watever advise.. THANK YOU SO MUCH. i'm not as optimistic as beavan. but i noe i'll recover n find a better guy. i'll find stuff to distract myself. n yea.. make more frens hopefully in UNI. hahaha. i'm so pissed off with all these shit i dun even have time to think about the results tmr. ok i shall be more normal n start worrying now. hahaha. sigh... i'm so grateful that at least there are ppl who will stand by my side.. n if u reading this too.. yea.. thanks for talking.. u're a nice guy too.. n u can find a chio-er gf too. hahaha. yah.. we dun understand each other that well.. but still, u nid to fa xie juz ramble on at me lo. fan zheng i listen all ur crap only duneed to do anything oso ma. ish MIAN FEI DE! hahaha. out of point. but yea.. we'll all survive this ordeal n carry on with our lives. i noe i'm saying all the cliche stuff.. but there's a reason why cliche stuff r called cliche. cuz they really work. hahaha. wat else i wan to say huh? oh yea.. GOOD LUCK FOR THE RESULTS TMR!! hahaha.. suddenly went completely out of point!! :p
n i'm sorry to say this. but i beat jackjack up last nite. HAHA. -_-'''
hUitiNg stRange... 2/28/2006 09:15:00 PM
Monday, February 27, 2006
i didn't wanted to blog this at all. but since no considerations of my feelings were shown at all, i dun see the need to give face anymore.
yea... for all who still dunno. yk broke up with me. according to him it was since 6th jan... but i've been blindly led all this while that i still have hopes of patching up with him.
so i did all i can to salvage the relationship. i stopped blogging abt stupid things. i learnt to be independent. i tried to stop bugging you when u were in ns. i tried to control my moods and dun flare up all at one go like u disliked. i left the comfort i seeked in typing my feelings out n talked to u about how i felt. u dun see how big a deal it was. but it was for me, cuz i lack COURAGE. but i found it to talk to u. and most of all, i tried so hard to push away all the feelings of jealousy i had for her. i believed you stupidly when u sat me down to convince you still love me right before you went for ns.
and yesterday less than 2months later you can happily tell me you love another gal.
haha someone slap me in the face and tell me it's not true.
you happily led me on into believing i had hope. do u know how happy i was the few times u sms me, call me, met up with me?? do u know how i write about u in my stupid diary fa hua chi-ing like an idiot. every single detail what u did i wld pen it down. i wanted to be proud of how i survived this ordeal at the end. how i managed to fought so hard for my love.
but i forgot the most important thing. it takes two hands to clap.
and like everytime i ask u, u tell me u needed more time. cuz u were scared u wld make the wrong decision. scared that if things wun work out btw us, it'll be a waste of time. scared that if dun try, and turns out to be something that can be worked out, u wld regret. n i think i've been patient n gracious enough to kp putting up with it, although i didn't understand why u can prefer wasting time thinking if it would work out, than trying to make things work out. but everytime i cry out in exasperation that just dump me if u don't love me anymore, u told me it wasn't true. GREAT. you stupid two-timer. i can't believe u r this type of person. i nv forgot how mab told me in the beginning that to have u loving me is my fortune..is i jian dao bao. now i tink i've been stepping on dog poo for my entire life. thanks so much. u happily made 2 girls believe that u loved each of them n that there was hope. u dun try to de4ny it now by saying it has only been going on for a few wks. i can read out on each day wat happend n wat u said to me that made me happy from my diary. beavan's barking like a maddog now, over thngs that arer true n untrue. n i can start barking like one too if i didn't still loveD u.
haha. ain't i pathetic?
n i told the both of u clearly that i'm just hurt, not angry. i wasn't even blaming the both of u. ok mayb juz yk. he fucking screwed up the way he handled things. u said u were handling it the way that seemed right in order not to hurt me. everything u say to defend yourself sounds so shallow n selfish. all u think is about yourself n her. what about my feelings? are they non-existent the minute she comes into the picture?
and i even had the decency to kept this from any SA ppl, cuz it might make the both of u awkward on wednesday. n for bloody hell's sake, i still treated the both of u as my good friends. every single person i told says, "forget them. if they can do that to u, they r not even your frens." "the girl's a bitch. she should stay away from ur bf in the first place" "u r better off now w/o such a jerk now." "why do u love him in the first place??" but i stayed firm. cuz i believed the two of u. i believed u nv meant to hurt me.
but if u can conveniently get together with her one day right after we break just becoz of wat beavan said, then i bloody hell think u are a fucking bastard asshole. n up til this point i have nv wanted to drag gaigai into this whole stupid thing. but if u're in him with it... i have nothing more to say. the friendship i have been holding onto for so long is just tearing like that, as easy as some stupid tissue paper. i thot i was bad enough to get together with victor one week after we broke. but at least i handled it prop-erly. i didn't hide anything from you. but now the both of u bloody heel get together one day after we break?? and u can just push some lame excuse to me... bcuz beavan dun believe it.. so to make him believe u'all get together?? what the fucking hell happenes to the both of us. love isn't suppose to be like that at all. it isn't all about 2 ppl like u see in fairytales. if i can be so considerate to the both of u even after all u did to me, i dun see why it wld hurt postponing the both of u getting together. obviously i dun matter to u anymore even as a fren if u can pull this kind of stunt.
if everything about the world is going wrong now... i can trust one person for sure... my mum. cuz she told me right from the first time she saw u that u r too childish n immature. that i shld never be with u. and i brushed it off. but now i realise how right she is. i should nv doubt her judge in character again.
i dunno wat to say anymore. beavan's right. u r juz some cao gay coming up with pathetic excuses to cover up the wrongs u have made. n u can come n telkl me i've shown my true colours at last. yeah. fine if that's what u think. i bloody hell am not going to talk to u again even though i'm bleeding like some bloody idiot deep down.
to think i still tried so hard to calm beavan down n ask her to listen to her. bcuz i cared. n i didn't want them to nao fan bcuz of me. but this is all i get in return. i thot beavan was crazy. now i realise. he's normal. it's the both of you that's crazy.
n i really dunno what to say anymore if u tell me whatever effort i put in to change myself was cuz the changes were for my own good. i tell u you wll fucking cry if u ever read my diary. ha.
n u hide from me so long the the class guys hated me. they even told u to tell me, n u didn't. i'm not even angry with them. i'm just pissed with u. i was so happily grinning at them happily everyday n sch. n now i realise they dun even want to look at my stupid face. do u have any idea how taht hurt?? it's like i not only screwed my relationship with u. i screwed it up wth ppl who i genuinely cared for. and what? u can come n tell me i always hide things from u blahblahblah. WHAT ABOUT YOURSELF?? so everything i hide from u is wrong.. n everything u hide from me is only right cuz u were trying not to get me hurt??? what fucking logic is that. excuses excuses more excuses. i'm so sick of them. n sick of u.
i put in so much into a relationship n only to find up u've been two-timing me all this while, n not appreciating me at all. while i've been trying so hard to change for u, u've been happily falling for another girl instead. do i even matter anymore??
she told me to understand that some feelings r not within her own control n ur control. i tried to understand. i really did. that's why i didn't screamed at u'all or what. but when i tried to understand what did u'all turned around n do?? get together.
fucking hell.
n all the day i have to try so hard to keep myself from crying or breaking down. cuz i promised so many ppl i wld b strong n not weep over you. n the moment i close the bathroom door i'm weeping like some pathetic moron under the shower.
i dun even imagine why i want to waste my tears over the both of you.
i already give you my blessings. why do u still want to do all this crap to me. if u think i'm the selfish moron in any way, ok. go ahead. tell me. but if u r going to come up with some lame excuse again to hurt me deeper. u can jolly well not go to school on wednesday. cuz i'll fucking make sure u r not going to fuck for the rest of your life n won't get to celebrate a single father's day.
haha. i know u're a coward. so u won't even try.
lalala.
n just to make u feel better. u must be a super good jerk to make me actually utter the word 'fuck' for the first time in my life.. and for so many times at one go too!
yay~
hUitiNg stRange... 2/27/2006 07:29:00 PM
Sunday, February 26, 2006
ok. so i've been slow/dense/stupid/whatever all this time. i've been making too many assumptions. it's time i stop dreaming and hoping. all this is coming to an end. no more turning back.
abandoning my blog for one and for all. enough is enough. time to wake up. might start a new blog, might not. will keep a diary for now. but yea. i'm leaving the memories here.
bye.
hUitiNg stRange... 2/26/2006 06:56:00 PM
